Grandad.

Dear Grandad,

you were one of the first to welcome me into this world with love, and loved I've felt ever since. Eighteen years have come and gone too quickly and it's hard to believe our time together on Earth will be no more. There simply hasn't been nor will there be another Grandad quite like you. I envy the joy and strength you carried with you every day, I can't remember a time in my life where you weren't smiling or trying to make me smile.

 

I wasn't ready to say goodbye, Grandad. I didn't know you were going to leave us all so soon and my heart aches for just one more hug, for your gentle touch, your comforting voice, for your sweet unfading spirit. I can still see you lying on the hospital bed, your kinky gray hair laying the way it always has and your hands by your side, but it wasn't you Grandad-not really. Thursday night Jesus called you Home and welcomed you with the same love that you have showed me my whole life.

 

Grandad, we all miss you desperately, more and more it seems with each passing hour. We've all been sitting around your's and gran's kitchen table trying to process your absence, trying to make sense of your passing, but at the end of the day it still feels like you should be there with us. We're crying a lot and we're all a mess, especially your little Zachary, but a smile and a laugh do seem to make their way when we remember the joyful man you were. Grandad, we're taking care of eachother and I know that's what you want.

 

Friday, Emmalee and I were wrapped up in blankets on the wooden swing outside and we knew you would have come out to ask us why we were out when it was so cold, we just laughed knowing we wouldn't be able to give you a reasonable answer, but we knew you would have just smiled that smile of yours and went back in leaving us be. Grandad, we miss you, everything about you. Your hair, I remember as a little girl sitting on your lap or on the top of the couch combing your hair and putting barrettes in it. Your voice, I can still here you over the phone telling me you'll be right out to kill the wasp in my car when I pulled over on the street by your house last spring. Your hands, I loved when you would come up behind me and tickle my shoulders. Of course I always knew it was you, I would trap your hands between my shoulders and my neck and turn around and look up just to see that contagious smile of yours.

 

Grandad, I talked to Gran tonight. We were in the back bedroom, I was on the chair and she was laying on the bed, and she was telling me about what a great life of love she shared with you. Lying on that bed as she talked about the past, I saw a young girl who was in love with a wonderful man, a man that would one day become my Grandad. And then I saw me lying there, except I wasn't young, I was older and I had experienced more life-Grandad, it is my hope that one day I am that gran lying on a bed talking with her grandchild about a life that was well lived and well loved with the one that she loved. Your life was such a beautiful reminder of love and dedication to all you knew and I pray that through me and everyone else, that your rare love would carry on to everyone we meet.

 

You are the only "Grandad" and Eddie Lee Lutes there ever has been or will be. I am so incredibly blessed to have spent the last eighteen years as your grandaughter and I will hold close the memories we created. You're free now Grandad, from all the chains and limitations this world once brought, and though selfishly I wish you here with us, I trust God brought you to your Eternal home in His perfect timing. No more sickness, Grandad. No more pain.

 

All of us down here, we'll be fine. We'll cry when we need to and smile when we can, but we'll do it with hands held and knees knelt knowing that we'll see you again one day. We love you Grandaddy Long Legs. Thank you for loving us all so well.

 

Until we meet again,

Lahni Blair

Coffee Date::Girl Behind The Blog

Remind me when tomorrow forgets.

Remind me when tomorrow forgets. When it forgets the joys and possibilities from this very hour. When sorrow overwhelms my soul and the joy from yesterday has disappeared, remind me of Your goodness, of Your hand over my life. When it forgets of how the stars shone with such beauty and wonder, may I be but reminded of the One who spoke that light into the darkness, the One who speaks light into my life and heart. When tomorrow forgets love and laughter and knows only the aches of a fragile heart, remind me of my home in the clouds where tears shall be no more. When tomorrow forgets to slow down, remind me of just how precious my time is here on earth. When it forgets of the black and white that once was, remind me of just how dangerous a slope the grey is. When it forgets to deal with the pain and chooses to run far from the problem, remind me of Your closeness to my heart, the rest I will find in You, and of the healing that can come. When it forgets to live passionately and sing loudly, remind me of the vibrant and determined spirit you gave me. When it forgets to love and care for the outer vessel you blessed me with, remind me of just how beautiful this temple, Your temple, truly is. When voices from tomorrow lead me astray and tear me down, remind me of the hope and promises you have left with me, that you whisper into my heart. When tomorrow leads me down road after abandoned road, remind me of the abandonment I will never find in you, remind me of the acceptance and open arms You'll always offer me. When tomorrow seems as though it's too much, remind me of the plans you have for me. When I am decieved by tomorrow's shame, remind me that I am desired by You, even still. When with each new breath a battle starts, remind me of the battle You won, remind of the one You defeated. When tomorrow's struggles seem unbearable and unfair, remind me of the Cross, the reason I'm free from chains, the ultimate symbol of struggle, and a constant reminder of beautiful grace. When tomorrow forgets understanding and feels only confusion, remind me of the Peace that passes all understanding, remind me that worrying robs me of happiness. When tomorrow finds me with disdainful eyes, remind me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. When tomorrow forgets contentment, remind me of the abundance of blessings that surround me and fill me up.

When tomorrow forgets, remind me. Remind me that this is the day that You have made and it is worth living.

Jesus, You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, but when tomorrow forgets, remind me.

2013

I'm just going to start writing what's on my heart and whatever comes out comes out...otherwise I'll be staring at a blank page precious longer than I have time for tonight-->BEAUTY SLEEP.(Actually, JUST SLEEP...because honestly, I don't know anyone who looks more beautiful when they wake up than before they go to bed.)

2012. Goodness, I don't even know where to begin. It's been quite the year for me, for my heart. There's so much in the rearview mirror of this past year. I'm trying to find this perfect balance between reflecting on what was and what will be and I'm beginning to realize that there isn't a perfect balance, there's just now and who I am in this moment. Thinking too much about the past brings back old demons and shadows. Thinking too much about the future robs me of what's right in front of me. Both haunt my 'now'. So, for me, 2013 will be a year of introspective and extrospective, each day an opportunity to dig deep within and examine who I am 'now' and to focus on who and what surround me- an opportunity to slow down to a pace of healing and thankfulness.

It is undeniable that the start of a new year brings hope and new beginnings, but ultimately and without fail, this opportunity is offered to us each day and in each new sunrise. Lamentations 3:22 tells us, 'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning...'. God is not done with me yet and to that I will hold fast this year through each joy and each struggle. Not only is God not done with me yet, but He is not done with those around me either. At the start of this new year I am reminded of the ugly-beautiful in me, in all of us, and how if I'm not willing to pour into those around me who are flawed, I don't deserve for my Creator to do the same with me, to pour into this empty vessel with each breath I breathe like He does so without fail.

My particularly long list of resolutions this year can be summed up as such:

-To be healed.
-To have hope.
Every day.

I realize that for me to flourish as a young woman this year, I have to allow the healing to come when it needs to come and to cling to the hope even if I'm only clinging to the thread's end. Looking within myself may be hard, casting aside long shadows and distractions may be challenging, but it has to be done every day for me to truly live right 'now'. Until I truly find that 'now' I will never be able to shake the demons from my past and the worries in my future.

So, here's to 2013... living each day heart abandoned...finding and loving the 'now' no matter how hard it may get... and to looking on the inside and the out.

Happy New Year!!!